The holidays in a light you don't want to see them in

I wonder what would happen if every year from now on during the holidays, all the news channels started reporting on how suicide rates DOUBLE during the holidays and how apparently nobody gives enough of a shit about these people to stop them or make sure that they never have such thoughts. There's always these idiots that go respond to that in a way like this: "But as long as your alive, there's a chance of it getting better! Why kill yourself?!" MY crude and logically correct opinion on this, of course, is highly different. You see, the people who say this are also the people who just don't give a shit. Praying for world peace and crap while the boy in school everybody always picks on takes an overdose or hangs himself. Fuck you. You just couldn't give a shit until he died and probably never thought about him about a week after he died. And yes, you'll tell the media how he was always a weirdo but how shocked you were to find out he killed himself blah blah blah. Give me a fucking break here. Are you really that stupid and naive? Is this the kind of bullshit I can expect from people like you, then it's really not a goddamn wonder why so many people kill themselves during the holiday season.

As for me, I am dead frightened of the holidays. Know why? Because it is exactly that time of the year that I am alone and have no real friends becomes brutally obvious. It's not even all that much of my fault either, considering I have a mental underdevelopment which basically comes down to me having no social skills and being unable to read between the lines. It hurts me to write about this. I can't really help it I don't know what to do.

For the last two years I've suffered serious depression around the holidays, bordering on suicidal tendencies. Those same years I eventually found some people to do something with during christmas and new years eve, but I seriously don't know what I would've done if I had been alone. Crying myself to sleep was an option, killing myself with a painkiller overdose was also an option. This year, the same awaits me. Though maybe this time, I might actually find out if I'll cry myself to sleep or kill myself. My relation with my parents, especially my father, is highly strained. Over the last few years it has come to physical violence between us several times. I can't run to my parents for help or comfort, nor do I have the idea I have friends I can turn to. Who do I have to run to? Why don't I have someone or something to run to? Who will comfort me?

I'm now considering if I should write a farewell letter and what I should put in it. I'm wondering where I should kill myself and with what.

I'm crying as I\'m writing this, look down on me if you like. Why do I write this? Because I think it needs to be written.

I know I have to change. I know how to change. I just can't seem to change.