whase, on 24 October 2010 - 08:20 PM, said:I'm 18, I've only had 2 loved ones die and that was of old age. We have plenty money, we're not rich, but we never have any debts. I have nice parents and my father never hit me. I'm with the 21% smartest people of Holland and I have my own tv, dvd recorder and laptop. you wouldn't think I'd have any reason to be unhappy, would you?
but I'm not unhappy about my past, I'm unhappy about my future.
the road my life is going is leading me to become a forever single guy who will be busy working in the IT until I'm 67 and then die when I'm 68 (around the age both my grandfathers died). every few months now I've got to think of a new reason not to kill myself. My current reason: My sisters both want children later, how can they ever explain them what happened to their uncle? I hope this excuse lasts longer than a few months...
This post is interesting because it reminds me of myself and my thinking to an extent. When I compare the most extreme situations in my life to some of the ones listed here, I can't come to any other conclusion that my life has been devoid of any real powerful unhappy experiences. It offers perspective. A friend of mine suddenly lost her mother due to cancer some way mid-december a couple of years back. Right between her birthday and christmas. Another friend of mine was physically abused by her mother and brother, her father didn't care and child protection services failed her immensely. At some point she moved out, started working fulltime to support herself and at the same time finished high school. It is a feat I am astonished of and I wouldn't have been able to do it. The father of a guy I used to be friends with committed suicide when he was 14 or so and after that his mom tried to abuse him out of the house. The father of another girl I know is an alcoholic. The guy who is currently my partner in a research project has such a bad relationship with his stepfather they often use physical violence and try to humiliate eachother in social situations. And finally the mother of this other girl I know is suicidal.
And then there I come with me not knowing happiness for as far back as I can remember. With my parents having been failures at parenting. My father who has from day one closed himself off to perhaps everyone around him and will consistently tell lies as long as he doesn't have to tell the embarrassing truth about him likely being picked on during his school days, ignored by most in university and then again at his work place. About his autism. About admitting that the way his parents raised him and their other children was cold, closed and bad. I don't have a good relationship with my father. For several years during my teens I hated him with a passion. At some point during this year, I just let that hatred go. And half heartedly tried to fix our relationship. Due to something I'm not going to explain, everything went to hell pretty soon after that. And currently my mother doesn't really want anything to do with him anymore, and my little brother doesn't talk to him anymore. I have now reached the point of not truly caring about him anymore. No matter what he does I can't bring myself to be happy for him or annoyed or angry at him. Enough was enough, I guess. And it seems that applied to everyone.
The story about my mother is considerably shorter. Mainly that's because for a good 6 or so years now I haven't seen her all that often(my parents are divorced, my mother moved to Belgium officially but lived about 1/3 of the week with us) and because she has shown betterment. My mother was pretty obsessive about me and my siblings not getting picked on, and went to great lengths. The only real effect of that was that she made it worse. And she would often get angry and change rules on the fly. This past year I've been getting along better with her. And she has now finally realized some things about herself and her parenting and has apologized for what she has done and is changing herself.
... You may find it awkward that I talk about my parents. And I guess it is. My problems are for a sizeable part due to my family. And I at some point those problems dictated my life. The far larger and more painful part of my problems lies with myself. I have a lot of autistic symptoms. I'm rubbish in social situations that are not via telephone, email, text messaging or instant web messengers like AIM. I have virtually no social life and I think the chance of me getting a girl to fall in love with me, due to my social awkwardness, is very slim. I was picked on in primary school, and socially isolated through most of my middle school and high school days. I think the most direct cause of this was my social weakness. Untill very recently I hadn't made friends. I don't go out much and can't stand crowds. I lived under the idea that extremist philosophers like Machiavelli are right in how people will always choose what is best for them, even if that was bad for you and try to force those beliefs on people. For a long time I thought I could use badass movie quotes in real life and have them work.
I guess most importantly I'm still alone. Over the last year I've improved much. But push comes to shove, I'm still lonely during christmas and new years eve. Last year I planned to commit suicide by overdose if I had to spend new years eve on my own. If not at the last moment my mother didn't decide to stay with me, I don't know what I would've done. And I face the same situation again this year. funny thing, though. Around this time last year I was seriously depressed. And now not any more.
Happiness, or unhappiness, has always been something I think about a lot. I figure that no matter how shit you feel, you gotta soldier on, just because nobody is going to do it for you and if you don't you're better off dying. I figured out that your goal in life cannot be dictated by your church or your state. Maybe you won't ever know what it was untill you're dying. Who is to say? I figured out that our unhappiness, more than anything, shapes us as a person. Or maybe I'm just holding an off topic rant.
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